“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad…”

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Feeling, I'm falling. 
Endlessly, it seems.

My parachute, ineffective.
9.8 defines my descent into madness.

Maybe, I sense streaks that leak toward heaven.
Or maybe, a reintroduction to the vast nothing.

The emptiness fills me with dread.

That darkness is the default.

And that my rear view no longer works right.
Left relations are further than they appear.

Or maybe, at home. 

They say number never lie…

Well, tweets never die.

At least, the data won’t.

“easier to understand”

So. I decided to download my archive…

And, looking over some of the statements I’ve made over the past decade..


For the sake of brevity I chose 30 to try and measure my growth over the years.

Or, lack therof.

A sort of linear snapshot of a half-baked time capsule.

I’ll try my best to skim past unnecessary filler. 

But remember, this is for me. 

Still, feel free to skip this chapter; I’ll admit it’s not the most compelling content.

My goal is to tug the strings that shape the future.

This may not be for you.

This may not even be for now.

That’s okay.

Me? I’m going to tell my story.

It is what it is.

Because if awareness create grounds for change (ch. 1), then stories are what inform the transformation of self. Of society, even.

Characters imbue narrative with metaphor and meaning, our human brains cannot help but pick up on these patterns and respond.

Legends and myths become inprinted in our collective memories, directing us along our own bouts with destiny, and on our path forward through history.

It is for this reason alone that repositories of ancient wisdom such as The Holy Bible cannot be discarded with, or worse, dismissed.

They contain stories that have lasted the test and remain largely intact over the span of two millenia.

For one reason or another, the early Jews were progenitors of human linguistic and doctrinal union of the sacred and the secular. From word of mouth, to rule of law.

Neat laws too, like The Ten Commandments, which represent God’s compromise with a more archaic form of man, incapable of higher cousciousness, or reason.

Today we should know better.

But I’m no utopian.

We still need stories to distill time, and to condense space. There is simply too much both before, and behind us.

We need stories that inspire people, reimagine places, and explore things that work within around us, in this unified narrative of life currently unfolding into the future

And transforming us in the process.

Stories reduce the complexity of existence into patterns we can perceive.

Which is why I believe.

Narrative is the most powerful force we have for understanding the world.

“The human mind is a story processor, not a logic processor.”

— Jonathan Haidt social psychologist, New York University’s Stern School of Business

Thus, I wish to tell my own.

Throw my hat in the ring.

Or my drapes on the tapestry.

Or my lines in the play.

There is much power in the word.

(See John 1:1)

But, I also acknowledge that I’ve yet to put the time needed in to create a compelling work of fiction, or to formulate a physio-theoretical framework.


This is my cop out. For now.

Frankly; you could do it to. But this is my story.


Last chapter considered the idea of acceptance.

The only way to heal, is to feel.


Now, we backtrack to depression.

Usually, I tend to deal with pain via detachment.

I simply become uninterested.

But I’m at least aware.

I recognize that part of my problems come from relying on the wrong script, as for most of my life, I was role playing, unsure of who I truly was.

I sense I’m not quite special in this regard.

Because we all struggle.

And remember, I said I’d be honest here.

Meaning this is more for future me than it is for current you.

No hard feelings.

Time to trace the trajectory.

2010 to 2020.

But first! (lol.)

Good News. 2021.

The future requires our help, so let’s begin to think harder about these next steps.

Ultimately, my goal is to “reveal the good inherent”.

To create systems and incentives that reflect our angels, and not our demons.

So this is a sort of, “mission statement” if you will.

There’s a call to love in the atmosphere.

I’m just trying to follow.

(If you wish to support financially, HMU LOL)

*Plans are subject to change, mission will always remain the same.

  • 2020: Build out online infastructure.

  • 2021: Complete training.

  • 2022: Invest in the next generation.

  • 2023+: IDK.

    (But before we get on with the twitter TL version of my story…)

Published by Toso

I like big ideas and I cannot lie.

One thought on “Depression

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